Parents learn to be parents in many ways. Some read books, pamphlets or magazines available at every check out counter. Others watch TV talk shows, talk to their friends or neighbors, call their mothers, or remember their own childhoods. Still others take courses and join other new parents. Hopefully, all learn from their infant as they care for them, enjoy them, and grow together.

At-risk parents are often unable to use these resources to learn. They may be distressed by overwhelming realities, overwhelming pasts, and previous failures and fears which continue to interfere with their functioning in general and as parents in particular. Too often they do not have the chance to enjoy what other parents enjoy with their children, singing songs, dressing up, taking pictures, or playing.

Whatever the structure or goals of an intervention program, working with these parents and infants involves interacting and relating in many ways. Specific techniques are described below to mediate more successful parenting. They are derived from therapeutic and mediated learning experience models which can be integrated into common interactions and play during time spent together.

Give the concept of being a mother or father positive meaning and identity - build consciousness and awareness of being a parent. It is important not to assume that having a child means feeling like a parent. Even if someone begins to feel like a parent, nurture this new identity with as much support as possible. This is done by admiring the parents, giving them credit for what they do, having fun together with the infant, and reassuring them the child is doing well. To do this, indirect comments are useful. For example, when seeing a baby who is dressed nicely or is attractive, one might say to the baby being held by the mother, "Mommy dressed you so beautifully today; she knows exactly what looks good on you!" Or, "You're so big, Mommy knows exactly what/how to feed you to make you grow!" Or, "Mommy knows how to dress you beautifully Suzy, you're a lucky girl!" Or, "What an athlete Daddy is making out of you." Such comments help a parent feel proud; focus on the process of what they have to do to feel competent; and lessen the risk of parental jealousy of the infant. One does not assume that the parents appreciate or take pleasure in having their child admired when they are not directly credited or referred to.

Make the mother and father feel unique. To support the special attachment and investment parents need to make in their infants, reinforce the uniqueness of the parent to the child. This too can be done through a variety of comments to the parent, such as, "Mommy gets the best smiles from you; I know who is in love with you!" as the baby smiles at the parent. Similarly, when noting the baby looking at a new or strange face, say, "You sure know your mommy best of all because I can see you staring at me and you don't know me at all!" In the course of following an infant, many opportunities arise which can highlight the parents' unique function. For example, when a baby fusses the intervenor might say, "Mommy will know how to comfort you best of all," as you guide or support the parents' response to calm the infant. Here too is an opportunity to give the parents credit for anything they do, for the purpose of enhancing their special relationship with the child and supporting their self-esteem.

Focus on the infant's or parent's experience rather than right or wrong. It is possible to communicate to the parent that infants have feelings and experience things in different ways through straightforward comments or "talking through the baby." For example, one might say "Hold me tight; I like to be all wrapped up tightly too." Or, "Don't turn me so fast; it's scary and I'm afraid I'll fall." Noticing how the infant might be feeling is especially important for the parent who does not empathize readily, or does not think in terms of the infant's feelings, or may not be handling the baby very well and does not notice the effect she or he is having. Such comments support the parent's efforts without the practitioner's taking over or necessarily knowing what is going to work best. This approach encourages exploring different attempts to calm the baby by reading signals with the parent and relating to these signals as expressions of feelings.

Focus an issues relevant to the infant's specific stage of development. For example, when helping parents learn to read the baby's cues and signals as they begin to communicate in purposeful ways, highlight the meaning of these behaviors. For example, "You want to tell mommy something, don't you?" Or, "Figuring out what you want isn't easy at all; tell/show mommy what you want again." "Oh, look how he turns around to look at you just after he crawled away; he wants to make sure you're still there!" "Boy, you need your daddy's help, don't you, it's hard!" Such comments accomplish multiple things. They focus on what is important for the parent to respond to at specific stages. They preempt misinterpretations of the meaning of behavior which can lead some parents to withdraw or reject or retaliate against their children if they disapprove. It is also easier for parents to learn an infant's language if they feel it is directed towards them. These comments support the attachment, identity and uniqueness of the parent.

Focus on the impact of current behavior on the future. With parents who do not relate current development to later achievement or success, or parents who have little sense or hope for the future because of being overwhelmed in the present, it is useful to create a sense of future success for the infant and the role parents can play. For example, when encouraging reading baby books, you might say, "When you grow up, you will be so smart because mommy is getting you ready already!" Or, when observing a child play with blocks, "I wonder if you will be an engineer or an architect, you build those blocks so well!" Or, "Daddy is so good with tools and you are following his footsteps already." encouraging the ability to transcend the present is important so that parents identify infant learning with future success in school or work. But it is important to focus on the process of learning and not the product, i.e., discovering, exploring, trying new things, using toys or objects in novel ways, rather than being able to name letters, numbers and other concrete skills.

Build parental self-esteem by selecting and admiring success. Whenever a child is doing something well, it is worthwhile pointing that out and building an image of the child as a successful learner and the parent as a successful parent who can be effective and help the child learn. General admiration or clapping such as, "That's great!" or "You're so good!" is not as useful as specifying what made the act successful or what difference it makes. For example, if a toddler is stacking rings, then he might be admired for, "you figured out which one should come first and second and third; that's good thinking!" Even if the child cannot yet understand these words, commenting guides the parent to think in terms of thinking and problem solving rather than just the end product which may or may not be well done. Focusing on the process of how or why something succeeds encourages the parent to pay attention to what to do, rather than what they will get or other concrete results. For example, admire the parent's success in getting the child to attend, "You really got him to listen when you got him to look at you before telling him what to do." When these behaviors are noticed in the course of natural interaction they convey the idea learning is going on all the time. They also put the parent in charge and reinforce effective behaviors rather than only focusing on problems and parents' inadequacies.

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